Seven just before spray foaming. Pristine, well, sort of. Cleaner than she had been in a long time. Taped and ready for spray foam insulation installation.
Seven just after spray foaming. A mess. A complete mess. A daunting task to scrape off the unwanted spray foam insulation from where it need not be. Finding the lights in the back and the front so carefully taped over.
Seven's transformation is very much like our own. She went from a clean, beautiful shell back to her insides being a mess. She took a step back. Just as we do. We feel the patterns arising again. Instead of choosing love, we choose ego. Denying that we are there, going through the motions of love with no love behind the actions.
My truly amazing partner and I struggle with this often. Way more often than we would like. Our desire is to always come from love. Our reality is to allow ego to once again rear its' ugliness, allow the insecurities to flow through us as if in our veins. allow the fear to once again take over. Once step back. Yet again. The pattern is exhausting, full of frustrations. As I looked into his eyes last night before he went to bed I saw no love from his eyes. Absolutely none. The ego had once again landed strongly in him. No matter what I ask, how I try, the ego has it's hold on him and I cannot break it. He must break from his ego. Just as I must break from mine when it controls me with its' speak of unworthiness, unlovable, ugly.
I ask repeatedly, time after time, is it gone yet...meaning the ego. Time after time, the same reply....yes, it is gone. Yet the empty and cold eyes looking at me when these words are spoken tell me differently. The ego is there, strong and controlling. I can see it in his expression. On silent drives home.
My first reaction? Let my ego take over. Push away as I can do so very well. What does my heart tell me? Run to him, hold him close, let my love reduce his ego to what it should be, what ours should be.....nothing. We have no need for our ego's protection, its way of making us feel less than we truly are to serve its own purpose.
Can we come from love? Of course. Can we do it always? Of course not. We are in transformation, learning the path of love, stumbling as we go and sometimes taking a very unwanted and unwelcome step back after taking many steps forward.
It is not an easy process, this thing called transformation. We, as little caterpillars, try so hard to make our cocoons to transform ourselves into the butterflies we know we can be. We must have patience and love for ourselves during these times, when the cocoon just won't hold our caterpillar bodies, allowing the transformation to fully happen. We, as human caterpillars, must allow for these moments, but we must learn from them and continue on our path to transformation. Continue taking steps forward and treating ourselves and each other with love when there is a step back.
Frustration is taking me over. I am frustrated with our bus Seven, with myself, with Steve, with everything having to do with this transformation.
Answers to our questions of "How do we do...." framing around the windows, the bus heater than we may or may not should have torn out, the control panel in the front, how to finish the front stairs.....never seem to have answers.
The question of "How will we pay for all this"? The heater, the refrigerator, the solar panels, the composting toilet, the hot water heater.
The question of "How and where will we mount the water tanks, the propane tanks? How will we add a tow hitch? What will we be towing for Steve's artwork?".
How will it all come together? How can there be so many facebook pages, blogs, Skoolie sites, and youtube videos and no answers to our questions? How much more time can I waste looking for answers that are nowhere to be found?
I am tired. Tired of no answers, tired of physically hurting, tired of not agreeing on finishes to the bus.....just tired.
Hope and faith.....this is all I have left.
Hope that the frustration will give way to inspiration. Hope the physical pain will decrease. Hope that the answers will come.
Faith in that all will work out. Faith in that our ideas will work. Faith in that the money will come. Faith in that WE can make it work, with the love of each other, on a bus, together. I gotta' have faith.
Two People...One Bus...sharing in a process...the Process of Transformation.
The result of plugging "define transformation" into the almighty Google Algorithm was this, and for once it seemed, I actually was presented with the information I was looking for, right there in front of me at the top of the screen...
"A thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance."
It is a simple and most profound way to describe this amazing segment of our now shared journey. The way in which this particular definition seems to resonate is quite remarkable.
First, because we recently acquired this classic 1989 BlueBird School BUS, and over time, it will go through its own dramatic change in form and appearance. A transformation from hauling screaming but eager to learn young ones in a Southern Colorado school district, to eventually become our shared home as we travel about somewhere...wandering aimlessly.
Second, and most importantly is US. It actually began about 2 years ago when we first made this most amazing personal discovery of each other. Our 50 plus years in creating and following distinctly different paths, each in their own states of condition and direction, and finally merging to form a common path. Drawn together for what I'm sure is a multitude of universal cosmic reasons.
At the top of this list of explanations, because I'm sure there is a list somewhere and it probably rests amongst a large pile of receipts that still await entry into the QuickBooks account, is this one strong and deep down shared desire. The desire to TRANSFORM, and be free of our freaking habitual minds and to finally choose peace. To make the choice to come from love instead of that sneaky thing called the ego. Which we both know may have been there for us to somehow keep us safe and protected...but which now we have decided no longer serves us. To finally allow that stillness of peace, that is already there at our disposal, into our everyday existence. To let it become the new habit instead of this fleeting, seemingly out of reach fantasy.
This new chosen way of existence also coincides with the letting go of our old stories. The stories that we've created for ourselves and have become very firmly attached to. We started and built upon those stories with everything we experienced in the past. Then allowed them to be reinforced by everything we did, said...and had done and had said to us. Then seemingly allowing those very same stories to become part of our personal identity. That personality is the one we were taught to be so proud of, the one that we thought defined us. But that in actuality has nothing to do with us, because it is after all, only a story, albeit a firmly entrenched one.
Together we have chosen to transform, with that dramatic change in form or appearance coming from within. Not so much a visual change but an inner change. One you can't really see on the surface but one that can be felt...and what an amazing difference it can be.
We choose to allow the energy and love to flow in every moment. Instead of choosing to act out from that story in our minds because of a seemingly random, strategically place trigger. But which actually serves a purpose. In providing us the opportunity to react differently. In a way that is peaceful instead of not. In a way that is loving instead of not. In a way that frees us from those shackles that we for so long let bind us. As we were bound to the habit of ego fulfillment.
It has been a challenge at times and may continue to be. We shall indeed find out...and it will be amazing...as we TRANSFORM together.