Two Steps Forward, One (or more) Steps Back

Seven just before spray foaming.  Pristine, well, sort of.  Cleaner than she had been in a long time.  Taped and ready for spray foam insulation installation. 
Seven just after spray foaming.  A mess.  A complete mess.  A daunting task to scrape off the unwanted spray foam insulation from where it need not be.  Finding the lights in the back and the front so carefully taped over. 

Seven's transformation is very much like our own.  She went from a clean, beautiful shell back to her insides being a mess.  She took a step back.  Just as we do.  We feel the patterns arising again.  Instead of choosing love, we choose ego.  Denying that we are there, going through the motions of love with no love behind the actions. 

My truly amazing partner and I struggle with this often.  Way more often than we would like.  Our desire is to always come from love.  Our reality is to allow ego to once again rear its' ugliness, allow the insecurities to flow through us as if in our veins.  allow the fear to once again take over.  Once step back.  Yet again.  The pattern is exhausting, full of frustrations.  As I looked into his eyes last night before he went to bed I saw no love from his eyes.  Absolutely none.  The ego had once again landed strongly in him.  No matter what I ask, how I try, the ego has it's hold on him and I cannot break it.  He must break from his ego.  Just as I must break from mine when it controls me with its' speak of unworthiness, unlovable, ugly. 

I ask repeatedly, time after time, is it gone yet...meaning the ego.  Time after time, the same reply....yes, it is gone.  Yet the empty and cold eyes looking at me when these words are spoken tell me differently.  The ego is there, strong and controlling.  I can see it in his expression.  On silent drives home. 

My first reaction?  Let my ego take over.  Push away as I can do so very well.  What does my heart tell me?  Run to him, hold him close, let my love reduce his ego to what it should be, what ours should be.....nothing.  We have no need for our ego's protection, its way of making us feel less than we truly are to serve its own purpose. 

Can we come from love?  Of course.  Can we do it always?  Of course not.  We are in transformation, learning the path of love, stumbling as we go and sometimes taking a very unwanted and unwelcome step back after taking many steps forward. 

It is not an easy process, this thing called transformation.  We, as little caterpillars, try so hard to make our cocoons to transform ourselves into the butterflies we know we can be.  We must have patience and love for ourselves during these times, when the cocoon just won't hold our caterpillar bodies, allowing the transformation to fully happen.  We, as human caterpillars, must allow for these moments, but we must learn from them and continue on our path to transformation.  Continue taking steps forward and treating ourselves and each other with love when there is a step back. 

--Jennifer